New Zealand Drivers Suck

Dear J,

I was coming home from work yesterday and honestly, it's a wonder that I didn't have three accidents and/or kill someone. Kiwis are the nicest people you'd ever want to meet until they get behind the wheel of a car. Then they become arrogant assholes of the first order. Honestly, they seem to believe that they are the only real car on the road and that everyone else is just a spectral vision that they can pass through.

I don't necessarily mind being cut off by another driver, if they pick up some speed. But when you change lanes in front of me, leaving no stopping space for me, and therefore forcing me to slow down and increase the distance between us, you're an asshole. If you're going to cut me off, at least speed the hell up! Here's the thing, no one signals. I almost want to hand out awards to the few golden souls who actually know what that little handle on the steering column is for. I feel like a schmuck driving by the rules, being courteous to other drivers. They never seem to do the same for me when I need to be someplace in a hurry.

And last but certainly not least, bus drivers; unbelieveably rude! They above all believe that they own the road and that other drivers have to stop and wait for them when they want to pull back out into traffic. They don't even bother to check. They do signal, I'll give them that, but for them, the signal is not an indicator so much as it is a warning. God help you if you're half way past the bus when the driver wants to pull out! Nine times out of ten, they'll just start pulling into the lane whether you're there or not, edging you towards the centre as you pass. Then, when they stop for drop off and pick up, in order to sort of save their places in traffic, they'll angle the bus with the ass-end in the lane so that no one can pass if there's any traffic going in the opposite direction. I hate Auckland bus drivers.

Yesterday, I was plagued with being cut-off by an idiot who slowed down to 70kph on the bridge and then never sped up again, and being stuck behind a bus angled into the lane so that no one could pass his ass, and being cut-off again by another bus, and then, just when I thought I was safe, I started to turn onto my own street from the roundabout at the top of the hill and this kid, about ten years old, is riding his bike and honestly turned it right in front of me. Fortunately, I was only going about 20 kph because of the roundabout, but I yelled , "Very Dangerous!" at him as he pulled past my bumper. He scared the living shit out of me. I hope I did the same to him.

So, as much as I love New Zealand, it's a challenge driving here. It's always like a live-action driving test: are you alert enough and quick enough to deal with just about every driving irritation that can be thrown at you? How fast are your reaction times? Can you deal with people treating lines in the road as "suggestions" rather than rules? If you answered "No" to any of the questions, then don't drive here. Get a taxi, have a friend drive you, but save your heart and head and leave the driving to those who are nimble, yet frustrated, assertive yet courteous, and above all, not packing heat.